I’ve blogged about my weird, recurring dreams before. They plagued my childhood and it’s only recently I kind of understand why i had them and where they were coming from. I used to have this really weird one where I was in my tiny bedroom which had somehow grown to gigantic proportions. I was sat in my bed, only for some reason I was about the size of Tom Thumb. There were two giant. robot, alien type creatures in the opposite corner talking about killing me as if I wasn’t there. When they realised I was listening they would start laughing and then I would wake up.
The dream always used to frighten me but it was waking up that was worse. That feeling I had in the dream where my room was huge and I was completely disproportionate to everything in it continued when I was conscious. My eyes wouldn’t focus, I would get this weird foggy sensation in my head and either tinnitus or the sound that you get when you put your ear to a shell. This would go on for minutes or even hours and no matter what I did, got up, walked around, pushed my hand against the wall, nothing stopped it. Everything just felt so huge, distant and intimidating.
It was a familiar feeling I had for years and unfortunately it’s one that I’m starting to get again. 3 times in the last fortnight I have awoke with this sensation. It is fucking horrible. It feels like you’re dizzy, you need to pop your ears, you’re nauseous and you can’t focus your eyes all at the same time. It’s similar to light headedness but not the same. It is so hard to describe. The weird thing is, I’m not having the dream, I haven’t had it for years, so I don’t know what’s triggering it.
I talked to my counsellor about it today and what I described he said was akin to vertigo, which he suffers from. I have been feeling adverse to halogen bulbs and flourescent lights recently, so much so I rarely turn on the light in my room because sometimes it makes me feel nauseous and gives me a headache. When I get this feeling, I can normally focus on one thing but then my peripheral vision becomes indiscernible, and this makes the sensation even worse. If I close my eyes, it feels like everything is pulsing, like that horrible feeling you get when your drunk right before you get the spinnies. I actually got the spinnies sober the other night which was incredibly strange, and a first for me. My Counsellor explained that feelings like this, a vertigo type thing, can be tied in with anxiety, particularly with regard to existential anxiety which is really prominent with me at the minute. Then if you worry about the sensation it can trigger anxiety attacks. I am clueless as to what is going on, looks like another trip to the Doctor is on. Poor bastard must be sick of the sight of me.