Yesterday was my first day back to counselling in three weeks. The guy I see takes a fair bit of time off over Christmas (he’s an academic as well, and does a lot of research into why North and West Belfast have such high suicide rates, the highest in Europe) so I was kind of left alone over Christmas and New Years. You all know that this year’s festive season was incredibly hard for me. To be honest, I’d go as far as to say they were the worst 3 weeks of my life.
Talking to Joe yesterday, I talked about how for the last 18 months I was so angry and frustrated. It led me to be this acidic, acerbic and at times wicked person, unrecognisable from who I was before. It’s only in the last few weeks that I realised how this has affected everyone around me, not just the former girlfriend. I realised how horrible I’ve been and how I terrible a person I had let myself become. It was this that made everything so hard for me over Christmas. No matter how hard I tried over the last 18 months or two years or however long it was, I couldn’t help it. I was so angry and resentful and to be honest I didn’t know why. I tried so hard not to be, I tried so hard to be me again, but I couldn’t. I hated myself so much because of it, on top of the many other reason that I felt hatred for myself.
It’s only in the last month or two that a lot of the things that affected me have become apparent to me. All these things I had pushed into the depths of my subconscious and refused to acknowledge, have come to the fore. The last two weeks in particular I’ve started remembering and reliving things from my childhood that I spent years trying to forget. I know now why I had become the person I have been for the last 18 months, and it killed me.
The anger, the frustration and the acidity in my personality have all but subsided. Now they’ve just been replaced by complete sadness. I’m riddled with guilt and regret. I hate thinking about what I had done and said to my closest friends and my Girlfriend. I tore myself to pieces and now all I want to do is fix everything I had undone, to make it up to those people I hurt or was horrible to in whatever way I can.
I talked to Joe yesterday about all this stuff, about how I was so unbearably sad, about the guilt and the regret I felt. I talked to him about the realisation of what made me that way and some of the things I had pushed into the darkest parts of my subconscious. The first thing he said was “Good”. I was kind of shocked when he did. He explained to me that this is all part of the process, that sadness and guilt normally follow anger and frustration and that if I can get through this then the hardest work will be done (I didn’t have enough time to talk about them all, to be honest there is so much that I’m going to need weeks to get through it all). It eased the huge burden I’ve been feeling but I don’t know if I can ever get by it without rectifying my mistakes. I just hope that those who I need to make it up to allow me to. Maybe if they don’t I can still get by so long as I face down my problems and learn to handle them. I wish it was easy, I wish I could flick a switch and turn it all off but if I want to live I know I can’t do that. I just have to keep trying.