Why I Am The Way I Am

I’ve talked about the serious body image and self esteem issues I have before. I mean, with an ileostomy bag and stoma it is difficult not to have these but, to be honest, that has never been my main issue. The main issue has always been my struggles with my weight. I’ve said before that I grew up with a terrible diet, all processed and fried foods, takeaways and chippies, and set me up with terrible habits. Also my parents idea of kindness was to buy me sweets or crisps or juice, not as a treat but on regular occasion. 

My self esteem and body issues have had such a negative impact on my life. I have spent so long looking the mirror and hating the fat fucker looking back at me. People have always been very quick to comment on my weight as if it’s a joke but it always really hurt me. When I got hurt I ate as a coping mechanism. It was a horrible vicious cycle. With my relationship with my Girlfriend, it always strained us because I could never understand why she was attracted to me or loved me because I seen myself as this incomprehensible blob of a man and she was beautiful, intelligent and funny. I always got paranoid when she spoke to men I didn’t know because she is a naturally flirty person and I always seen them as better than me. I seen everyone as better than me. 

I mean, growing up my sister and I were subjected to decades of verbal, horrible, hurtful abuse from my father. My mum wasn’t around much because my Granny was ill and she looked after her, and we were always left alone with him. He himself had a horrible upbringing, physically and mentally abusive, living well below the poverty line in an already impoverished city like Belfast. He turned to drugs and alcohol at a young age and often told me that the only reason he was a live is because he went into jail. The thing is, when he got out he jumped straight back off the wagon. My whole childhood he was unpredictable and irrational, always angry and had serious mood swings. He was usually so fucked off his face on one thing or another that he would be seriously verbally abusive to me. From a young age I was being called a fat wee cunt or a useless wanker. It hurt me so much but it also made me hate him for a long long time. It made me angry and frustrated because he was unapproachable and it could never be resolved. And my ma never said a word. I learned recently that it is definitely because he has been depressed for years and years, and coped by drug use and reflecting his feelings onto other people. It just so happened that my middle sister and I were the ones who bore 90% of all this. So when he was abusive, I felt terrible and because I felt terrible I ate.

That’s why I got so paranoid and at times possessive with the Girlfriend. I love her so much and was always so afraid of losing her that I would panic when I seen her talk to a man I never knew. I was always so afraid of losing her because I could never comprehend why she was with me in the first place. She was so perfect for me and I was a fat dick. She was this amazing, beautiful, smart, funny and much loved girl and she loved me. I found this hard to accept because I couldn’t understand why. 

In the last 18 months, when the depression hit me hard and I hit rock bottom, I didn’t even have any self esteem or self worth to speak of. I was so frustrated and angry at how things were going for me and I took it out on those closest to me. Especially her. When she broke up with me I was absolutely heartbroken and distraught. I Still am. We had other issues in our relationship that were left unresolved and the open ended-ness of it all is really playing on my mind.

When we broke up, I realised that it was my self esteem and body issues that were having the biggest effect on me. It made me paranoid, it made me angry and it made me resentful. I took it upon myself to try and physically better myself and it’s been so far so good. I’ve went from 19 stone 5 lb at my heaviest to 17 stone 6 lb today, I’ve lost 8 inches from my waist and 7.5 inches from my hips. I’m the lightest and leanest I’ve been in a long time. And I’m still going. Fuck, I even lost like 3 lb over the Xmas period (although I have been sick for the last 5 days and haven’t had any appetite). I’m already feeling better about my physical self in terms of my weight and appearance. I’m no longer paranoid about my weight or appearance and the anger is essentially non-existent. I don’t feel angry any more, probably for the first time in my life I’m not angry. It has all subsided which is great. I’ve set myself a goal to be 15 and a half stone by the end of March. I have 1 stone and 13 lb to go and I really do think I can do it. I can’t exercise because of the ulcer on my stomach and how painful it is, but my diet is good and that’s 95% of the battle when it comes to weight loss.

The only thing now is that I am completely overwhelmed with sadness. There’s alot of things, my health, my mental health, family issues. But mainly it’s losing her and it being my fault. I made her happy for so long and we had a great relationship but it was my madness and paranoia in the the last 18 months that drove her away. I went from being the main thing in her life, the one thing that always made her happy, to making her unhappy. It’s killing me. I know that I can make her happy, I know that I can change, I’ve already changed alot, especially in ways that she would have wanted me to. I know she still loves me, she told me so but I was hurting her too much and that’s why she had to go. I’ve focused on changing all the things that were hurting her and us. I’ve changed a lot of them and I still have more to go but I have been me again for a while now. She is all I ever wanted in a girl, I loved and still do love her more than anything in this world. She was my girlfriend, my best friend and my confidant. I’m doing all this stuff for me because I know I need to, but in the back of my head I know I’m doing it for her too. I live and hope that she sees the changes I’m making and how I’m physically improving myself and will reconsider, although I don’t think that will happen. The other side of me took over for too long and drove her away and it’s killing me. As much as I’ve tried, I can’t let her go. She was and is everything to me.

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