Sleep is something that has escaped me for a long time. It started when I was a kid. From a young age, I started having really frightening recurring dreams. They were incredibly existential, always had a theme of death and my own helplessness. I think the helplessness was just a reflection of what I felt as a child. I endured terrible verbal abuse from my da and at times my sister. I got bullied by pretty much everyone I ever called a friend.
At times, I’m ashamed to admit, I wet the bed. Up until a fairly late age. My sister would sometimes ridicule me for it, my parents would either show disappointment or, in my da’s case, serious anger. I went to bed in fear almost every night about either wetting the bed or having one of these nightmares. When I had one of the nightmares I would wake up and my room would feel huge. It almost felt as if it was vibrating and my head felt light and I would sometimes panic. I never told anyone about them because I was afraid there was something wrong with me.
To this day the dark at times make me uncomfortable. I don’t fear it but every now and again it makes me feel uneasy. I’m used to falling asleep by tv light and it is a habit I have found hard to break. I spend most nights awake watching BBC News 24 because there’s fuck all else on TV. I can’t even bore myself to sleep with a news channel that loops about every half hour. My GP gave me sleeping tablets a few days ago to try and help me sleep and regulate my sleeping pattern. I’ve taken two so far tonight and I’m wide awake.
To be honest, the only time I have ever been able to sleep is when I’ve been beside the former girlfriend. Her presence beside me, her warmth (she heats up like a radiator when she sleeps) made me feel at ease. But that was all too uncommon. I have a feeling that this might be me for life, awake all day and for most of the night. If anyone could tell me how I can change this horrible pattern, I’d accept this advice with open arms. I imagine that this curse will never leave me. Fuck I just want to GO TO SLEEP!