So yeah, I got the worst case of the Christmas Blues this year. Christmas is one of those times that is weird for me. I dislike all the commercialism and what not but I actually love giving gifts. I love giving people I love things that I know they will love. This year though, I had absolutely no want for Christmas or New Years to happen. It just made me more aware of how disillusioned and lonely I was.
Everyone I know always talks about how they had a lovely Christmas with their family. Christmas with my family is usually a nightmare. Everyone gets stressed out and it eventually leads to arguments, fights and someone not talking to someone else for one reason or another. With all that’s been going on with my family and the already tense mood in my house, it was always going to bad.
There is also the fact that the Girlfriend and I broke up so close to Christmas. I already had Xmas presents for her which didn’t work out too well, and although we always had a number of Christmas traditions that we did with our friends every year, she opted out of them because I think it would have been to weird for her. It hurt not having her around at all over Christmas, but I understood where she was coming from.
With the whole holiday season, I haven’t seen my councillor for almost three weeks. It really didn’t help me in any way. I was so bored and lonely that I just went out drinking with people who wanted me to go out (which weren’t in abundance). Christmas Eve, Christmas Night, Boxing night, one other night and New Years Eve. Shit faced everyone. I shouldn’t be drinking in the first place, it’s a depressant and I’m on seratonin re-uptake inhibitors which don’t mix well with alcohol. But I thought I could find solace and comfort at the bottom of a glass. I thought it would help me escape from all the tension, loneliness and helplessness I was feeling. It really didn’t. New Years eve was the worst of them all. Alone at midnight for the first time in about 8 years, no one to kiss or to feel love from. The girlfriend was out for dinner with the friends and me for my friends birthday but she went home, we didn’t speak and it was genuinely disparaging seeing her go. All I really wanted to do was have a chat with her and maybe a dance later in the night but it didn’t turn out as I wanted. It was pretty much a microcosm of the last 18 months where nothing has turned out how I wanted it. I walked home that night incredibly drunk, sat up drinking alone until about 7.30 and can’t remember much. I really only remember listening to depressing music and crying (I’m a fairly emotional person). I woke up the next morning with cuts on my arms that I can’t remember putting there and no will to live my life any more. That’s why I packed a bag and spent 8 hours contemplating running away from my life, going somewhere, anywhere, and never coming back. The only thing that held me back was my physical health’s dependence on staying here.
I think I’m almost through the worst of it. I went to see my GP and he’s referring me to a Psychiatrist, he gave me different pills to take as well. I thought for so long I was getting better and this whole Festive period just pulled me back down and ruined what good work I had put in. I’m back to square one, although thankfully the anger and aggression haven’t resurfaced, just the self loathing and horrible sadness and loneliness. I think that through all that has went on with me in the last 18 months, my mum’s heart attack and cancer, my overdose, the break up, that right now is categorically the worst I have ever felt. I hope I can get back to where I was, but there are so many things that lie unresolved and unless some other people let me in, which I don’t think they will, I won’t be able to resolve them. I just need to find a way to handle that. On top of all that’s gone on, I now have a horrible gastric flu. I can’t wait to get back to my councillor on Monday. I can’t get help from who I want it from, I hope I can get more from him.