The Last Three Days…

They’ve been terrible. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ve struggled through them and to be honest I still haven’t made it through to the other side. I’m in a place now where I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’m alone, I’m lonely, I feel like a burden on the people close to me. In the last 18 months I’ve lost everything I had and achieved nothing except a more fragile mental state. It culminated in me packing a bag and spending 8 hours walking around the city centre contemplating running away from my life and never coming back. I spent 8 hours walking around wishing I wasn’t me. The only reason I didn’t leave is because I have too many dependencies based here on my health, too many physical issues that I need to stay here to have them cared for. I still wish I wasn’t me. I wish I could do an eternal sunshine and wipe everything. I wish I could recondition myself so I could forget. But I can’t. I can’t forget that I have nothing. Today I opened up to a friend, and they phoned my mum. I told her and my Da how I felt and how I’ve been. Tomorrow I’m going to see my Doctor. I think I might need to go away for a while to get better. Even if I do I won’t escape my head, or the fact I’m alone and heart broken. I just want to get away.

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