I’ve touched on this before, but music is pretty much everything to me at the minute. I’ve found solace and a lot of inspiration from listening to it in the last two months. Even songs that are heart breaking, that evoke strong emotions in me or remind me of the person I love but don’t have, have been really good for me recently.
I’ve been playing the guitar since I was 8. It’s something that, although I’m good at it, I don’t excel in the manner I probably should have. I’m too lazy and never showed enough commitment. Despite this, I still have a bit of confidence in my ability, mainly because although I’m a mediocre guitar player, I’m quite a good singer. I’ve written a lot of songs over the years, some ok, a few quite good, most of them shit. But I never stopped writing them. I don’t have a process, I can’t just sit down and churn out a song like some people, it only works when I have relevant inspiration. I go long long periods without writing anything then BAM! it hits me. When it does hit me, I normally have the song and melody written within about 5 minutes of starting.
I’ve starting writing a fair amount again recently. I have inspiration to write songs and music, although it’s a rather sad state of inspiration. It’s because I’m heart broken. There’s no two ways about it. I’ve been listening to a lot of City and Colour and Bon Iver, two singer/song writers I love and admire and aspire to. Both men, Dallas Green and Justin Vernon, write very beautiful raw songs about their personal situations, their love lives and their emotions. I used to avoid this a fair bit because I found it difficult to open up, but in the last two months I’ve written 3 or 4 songs that are brutally honest. It’s a great, cathartic way to translate my feelings without annoying myself or feeling I’m being judged for it.
It turns out most of my favourite songs are about heartbreak, depression and death. I hear men and women who, like me, find it difficult to open up to their emotions but find a way to do it through their music. It this that has inspired me recently to do it myself. I’ve written songs about my depression, about being heartbroken and about losing what I love. I’m actually thinking of buying a mixer and mic and recording them. I’m thinking about trying to start gigging again, start going to open mic nights and hope people are receptive to me. It’s always been my dream to make a career from music, the only thing I’ve ever really wanted to do or dreamed about but I’ve never had the courage, I was always too afraid of failing. I think that maybe the songs I have, with their rawness and the emotion, could maybe find a place with people other than me. Even if they don’t have any affect on the subject, even if the emotion in them doesn’t change anything, they might help me do what I’ve always wanted.