Up until this week, I hadn’t drank for almost two months. Things were going really well, responding well to medicinal and psychological treatment. I was more open, honest and less impulsive and angry. I was feeling happier. I was being more mindful and taking focus away from things I didn’t want to deal with or think about. I started dealing with things I had to and was coming to terms with them, even though it’s incredibly difficult.
But I’ve drank a fair amount this week. I was with friends I hadn’t seen in ages and stuck to age old holiday traditions. God I wish I hadn’t. You see, alcohol and I don’t get on. Generally speaking before the last week it really just made me aggressive and angry. Now, now it makes me sad. My mindfulness goes out the window and my existential crisis comes to the fore.
Most of my friends have commitments. Stressful jobs, long term live in relationships and engagements. The ones in my city I don’t see much. The ones in other cities we have to make occasions out of visits because they’re so sparse and fleeting. I love them all but sometimes I feel like I only have one real friend. It’s grim, but I only have one person who is always there unconditionally, who goes out of their way to spend time with me.
My best friend was my girlfriend. She was my be all and end all before we were ever a couple. It was our friendship that made me love her as much as I do and made her so important to me. But I let my mind get the best of me and fucked that up. I lost not only my girlfriend and my lover (and love) but also my best friend.
I stopped drinking because I know what it has done to me before. It exasperates things and makes my existentialism become more prominent. I become positively nihilistic (pardon the oxymoron). Tonight I had a good night, but now I’m alone with my drunken thoughts and music and I can’t help but be negative. I try because I want to now, or at least I think I do. But now with the drink I wonder if I am, or do I still strive to go on for others? Right now, I can’t think of a single reason why I’m here. I mean, outside of the sorrow of my nonexistence to those closest to me, life would be exactly the same for almost everyone whether I was part of it or not. I haven’t found a purpose or self fulfillment. Anything I do have is superficial (losing weight and getting fit). I have no true fulfilling impact on pretty much anyone’s life right now, including my own, And to be honest, my heart is broke because of it. I wish I could contribute and be something other than a burden to those around me (who tell me I’m not a burden but I can’t see how I’m not). I only seem to cause stress, unhappiness and heart break, through my actions and my thoughts.
I try to be more positive, I try to be mindful and deal with it and think that life is worth living. But what is a life if there is nothing in it of worth? No love or affections, just loneliness and a crux to bear. I just think I should stop drinking once and for all, it does me no good. I just wish I had something to cling to. Suppose nothing to cling to is better than clinging to alcoholism.